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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27145648">Loving The Lonely</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarinaBishop/pseuds/CarinaBishop'>CarinaBishop</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Past Abuse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:49:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,672</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27145648</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarinaBishop/pseuds/CarinaBishop</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Carina reacts to Maya's haircut and Maya bares her soul to the only person she's ever told "I love you"<br/>aka Maya and Carina try to heal each other</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>164</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Run To You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Current Mood: Marina &gt; Everyone else</p><p>Takes place after 3x16 because Maya and Carina deserve a chance and I will die on this hill</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Maya paced around her office restlessly, she was so relieved this day was over, she'd had several close calls, what with Andy stupidly running into an active scene despite her orders not to, it had scared Maya, she'd very nearly lost her best friend because she had to be a damn hero. Two burn victims were taken up to Grey Sloan, and three more hadn't made it. On top of all that, she had several unanswered voicemails from her dad, she'd only listened to about ten seconds of one of the what seemed like eight million, before she couldn't take anymore. Maya was exhausted, having not slept the night before, and starting the morning with another panic attack. </p><p>She thought about calling Carina, they hadn't spoken since Maya's apology at the hospital, and Maya couldn't stop thinking about her. She'd said she could call anytime, talk about anything, but so much had changed, despite Maya's damage control, she knew Carina was hurt and she couldn't blame her for that, was the offer even still on the table? What the hell? she thought, picking up her phone, it was worth a shot. If she wanted to save her relationship with Carina, and she did, she had to start somewhere, and that meant swallowing her pride. </p><p>Maya waited anxiously, each second that passed, each ring of the line, filled her with more anxiety, her hands were actually shaking and she almost dropped the phone twice. She had the sudden thought that it was possible that Carina wouldn't pick up, that she had decided, overnight that she wasn't ready to forgive, or that she wasn't going to fight to stay with Maya. </p><p>Carina hadn't had the easiest day either, she'd spent the day replaying Maya's words in her head. <em>'I slept with Jack, an hour ago so be mad at that!'  </em>Maya had spit the words so venomously, <em>'be mad at that!'</em>  She'd said it like she didn't care, like she never had at all. Carina had gone from having everything to nothing in a few short hours, she knew it wasn't healthy, she shouldn't be devoting this much energy to a broken heart, but Maya was different. Carina had fallen for Maya in a way she had never felt before, a way she never thought she could. She turned in her chair when she heard her phone ring, sighing when she saw the name that made her heart both flip and sink. Maya was the last person she wanted to talk to, but also the one she wanted to talk to the most. Her finger hovered over the accept button for a moment before ultimately answering.</p><p>Maya felt the relief flood her body when Carina's face swam onto her screen, Carina's mood flipped when she saw Maya's face, it was subtle, but Carina saw the emotion that Maya claimed she didn't have and desperately tried to hide written in paragraphs on her face.</p><p>"Bellissima Cosa c'è che non va? What's wrong?"</p><p>Maya ran her hand through her short hair, suddenly she couldn't speak, what did you say to the woman who's heart you'd ripped out and stomped on?</p><p>"Talk to me Maya, what's in your head right now Amore?"</p><p>"I need you." Maya whispered, her voice broken but low, as to not alert the <em>entire</em> station of her mental state, they already didn't like or trust her, they didn't need another excuse to think her unfit as Captain.</p><p>"Si, I can see that. I get off at eight, can you come over?" Maya nodded and Carina smiled. "I will see you tonight and we will talk yes?"</p><p>"Okay." Maya breathed, hardly a whisper, but Carina just caught it.</p><p>"I have to go now," Carina said, regrettably, "I will see you at eight." she reminded before clicking the end call button and running off to her next patient, but Maya's face would stick with her the rest of her shift.</p><p>Maya arrived at Carina's house at eight, no sooner, no later, eight o'clock sharp, it had been drilled into her to be punctual. She was about to knock when the door swung open, seemingly of it's own accord.</p><p>"Ciao Bella, You made it!" Carina's gentle Italian accent washed over Maya and it sounded so sweet and so beautiful, like Maya would never tire of it. Maya's whole body went limp as Carina led her into the house. "I have dinner prepped, but I think we should talk first hmm?" Maya didn't understand how Carina could still have this amount of care for her after what she'd done, she wouldn't. Maya just nodded and let Carina lead her to the couch in the living room. Once they were settled, Carina reached up to run her fingers through Maya's cropped hair. "So, we never discussed the hair." she hummed absently. "I like it, it's different, what brought it on?"</p><p>Maya's limbs felt heavy, like she weighed a million pounds, and she found her head lying on Carina's shoulder of it's own accord. Carina was surprised but allowed Maya to soak in the small comfort, as hurt and confused as she was, and she was, she could afford to let Maya break first. It was after all, what she'd been trying to do, to get Maya to admit aloud the truth that, somewhere deep in her heart she already knew, that she'd been abused.</p><p>"My dad pulled it." Maya said suddenly, having found the strength to lift her head from Carina's shoulder.</p><p>"Cosa?!" Carina exclaimed in alarm, turning to face Maya completely.</p><p>"My dad showed up at the station and then he followed me to a scene." Carina could see that retelling this was difficult for Maya, so she didn't interject. "It was a bomb threat, five of my crew were down there, one civilian." Maya choked on a breath and felt Carina place a hand on her arm in encouragement, a push to keep going. "I knew he couldn't be there, not after our fight. I-I tried to talk him into leaving so I could do my job. He wouldn't go, he accused me of 'playing Fire Captain' whatever that means." The words left a tang in Carina's throat, and the Italian felt an anger burn within her she hadn't felt since her own father had abused her and her brother, the need to defend Andrew, to defend Maya, overtook her, though she knew that in both cases she had been too late to be of any help. "I demanded that he leave, told him interfering with emergency personnel was a crime. It was the first time I stood up for myself, and it felt so good in the moment." Maya cracked a watery smile, "But that feeling didn't last, I turned to walk away and he grabbed my ponytail and he yanked it so hard I felt it in my scalp." the blonde ran her hand self-consciously through her short hair, "I felt so disgusting after that, so violated, dirty, and I realized that you were right, that he was abusive, he always had been, and everyone had seen it except me. I felt so stupid. When I got back to the station I just needed to get rid of it, to make sure he could never grab it like that ever again."</p><p>Carina sat in stunned silence for a few long moments, absorbing all of this new information, watching a whole new Maya transform before her eyes, and the chose her words carefully, in case the old Maya returned and locked Carina outside her walls again. "Oh Dolcezza," Carina settled on an endearment that felt safe right now, "That sounds so scary, I am sorry that you had to deal with that.</p><p>Maya shrugged, her cheeks still wet with tears, and what little makeup she had on smeared, "I was more angry than scared." She admitted, not fully meeting Carina's eyes.</p><p>"Angry?" Carina clarified, wanting to be sure she'd heard correctly.</p><p>"Pissed." Maya corrected, "pissed that I let him in my head, pissed that I let him ruin the one good thing in my life. Pissed at myself for hurting you." Fresh tears sprang to Maya's eyes at the mere thought, she'd fucked up, she'd fucked up majorly. "I didn't go out with the intent to do that to you, I would never intentionally hurt you like that." Carina had removed her hand from her arm and was listening intently. "It was just a lot of emotions, and Jack was just wrong place wrong time. It's not an excuse, and I will never stop apologizing to you."</p><p>"Are you hungry?" Carina asked, realizing that neither of them had eaten, when Maya nodded she stood from the couch, Maya followed her to the kitchen which was filled with a plethora of different, pleasant smells.</p><p>Maya inhaled deeply. "Mmm, smells like heaven in here."</p><p>"Tu sei il mio paradiso" Carina hummed to herself, grateful Maya couldn't translate her Italian, if she could she'd know Carina had just called Maya her paradise. "I dabble in my free time."</p><p>"You are one hell of a woman, OBGYN, surgeon, and cook, is there anything you can't do?"</p><p>Carina laughed at that, kissing Maya's cheek as she handed her a plate of food, that looked as beautiful as it smelled.</p><p>Carina stood in the kitchen, across from where Maya sat at the kitchen island, a mirror to their positions on the worst night of Carina's life. They ate in silence, neither knowing what to say to the other.</p><p>"It is late," Carina spoke suddenly, "and it's been a long day, maybe we should sleep." Maya bit her lip, the run back to the station or her apartment felt too daunting. "You can stay here Maya, as long as you like. Casa mia è casa tua. My home is your home." Maya's shoulders sagged in relief, and she accepted Carina's outstretched hand when she stood up. "Come Bella, let's get you more comfortable."</p><p>"Carina?" Maya dared to ask once they were both ready for bed, Carina perked up at the sound of her voice, like a puppy Maya thought adorably. "will you stay? Please?" the Italian doctor smiled at that, not the reaction Maya had been expecting, and climbed into the guest bed beside Maya. Maya cuddled closer, as close as she could, to Carina, desperate to feel something, to know that she was real.</p><p>Carina pressed a gentle kiss to Maya's bare shoulder, the Fire Captain was wearing one of Carina's spare tank tops, "When my mamma took my brother to America and left me in Italy with our father, I was angry. I was angry, but I was relieved too, relieved that Andrea wouldn't get yelled at anymore, that I wouldn't have to defend him anymore, protect him, I didn't recognize it as emotional abuse back then, I just knew that my father was a very angry man, and I blindly thought that, if I could keep him happy, if I did everything right he wouldn't get angry anymore. But I was wrong, and as time went on I became more angry, more hurt that my own mamma would only take one of us, my brother, and leave me behind, I mean, she was my mom, I trusted her, I loved her. I trusted her to keep me safe and she didn't do that."</p><p>Maya hummed in response to Carina's kiss to her shoulder. "Yeah well, my mom stayed and look how that turned out."</p><p>"My point, Maya, is that I was wrong, I was mad at the wrong person."</p><p>"What are you saying?"</p><p>"I'm saying that maybe it is time to forgive your mother."</p><p>Maya didn't say anything in response to that, she wasn't ready to forgive anyone right now, not even herself.</p><p>"I'm here Maya," Carina breathed against the blonde's shoulder. "I am right here." she promised. Carina knew they'd have to talk more, Maya knew it too, but for tonight, being in Carina's arms again seemed like the answer to everything</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Broken Glass and Raindrops</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Maya breaks two things in one morning, and Carina heals one</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Maya woke up feeling content and safe, two things she wasn't used to feeling, she felt Carina's arm wrapped around her waist, she must have done that in her sleep. Every nerve in Maya's body burned with the need to move, her brain didn't respond well to stillness, not even this early. Maya had never been still, for as long as she could remember she was moving, whether it be running, and winning, a race or racing into a burning building to save a civilian. Maya looked over at Carina's sleeping form, god she looked so beautiful. She decided not to wake her up, her day had been so long yesterday, between the hospital and Maya's daddy issues, the doctor deserved as much rest as she could get. Instead she untangled herself from the brunette and slowly and quietly made her way out of the room, deciding to use the main bathroom rather than the guest one for fear of waking the sleeping beauty. Maya's body was burning with the desire to run, she felt the itch like a persistent bug but she tried to fight it, she couldn't leave, not again. She wouldn't let Carina wake up without being here. Maya wasn't good at being still, but she would be, she would be still for Carina.</p><p>Maya finally reached the bathroom, her heart gunning. Her father had left three nasty voicemails on her cell, all with words and names she'd rather not repeat. she hated that he could still get to her like this, that he still had power over her.</p><p>She'd been abused. She knew that now, thinking back it had been obvious, and maybe she'd always known it. She tasted the word at the back of her throat like bile, she never wanted to think of herself like that, like a scared little girl, terrified of her father, but it was true. She'd been abused.</p><p>Maya raised her head, catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror, her hands gripping the sides of the sink, her arms trembling, she looked pathetic, weak. Before she could think about the consequences, she punched the mirror, sending glass flying, she felt the warmth of the blood, her blood, before she even registered the pain.</p><p>"Stupid. You're so stupid."</p><p>She cradled her injured hand against her chest, not bothering to clean the blood or the glass, Carina would probably chew her out for that later, ramble something about it getting infected. That thought made her laugh, even through the tears, as she slid down the wall. It was always Carina, she was the only woman, the only person Maya could let her guard down around.</p><p>Maya pressed her knees to her chest, her arm wedged between her legs and her body, allowing herself just a moment to feel it, the years of trauma and abuse she'd buried away. She felt the pounding of her heart through her veins as the blood flowed, sticky down her arm, and she cried, she cried until she felt empty, until she had nothing left.</p><p>Carina woke up lazily, she'd underestimated just how much of a toll everything had taken on her body and mind, she had needed the rest, but when she reached for Maya she found the bed empty. </p><p>Carina's heart sank as she forced herself to her feet, maybe Maya had just gotten up early and was in the kitchen. She padded slowly into the kitchen, rubbing at her eyes sleepily, she hadn't slept that well in days. She didn't see Maya in the kitchen either and her heart sped up, had Maya run again? Before the brunette had any time to ponder that thought, she heard the strangest noises coming from the other end of the house, they sounded like sobs, harsh, raw, emotional sobs.</p><p>Carina followed the sound to the house's main bathroom, where they were the loudest, the sobs belonged to Maya, who else could they possibly belong to, and they shattered Carina's already broken heart. </p><p>"Maya? What's going on?" Carina's hand closed around the doorknob, it wasn't locked, and she turned it. "Oh mio Dio! Maya!" Carina took in the state of her bathroom, the shattered mirror was the least of her problems, and laid eyes on Maya, knees to her chest, knuckles red with blood. If Maya noticed her, she made no effort to show it, just continued to sob. "Maya, look at me." Carina commanded, dropping, carefully to avoid the scattered glass, to Maya's eyeline. "Eyes on me Maya, your eyes need to be on me." Desperation laced every word Carina spoke, she had no way of knowing how bad the injury was until she got Maya cleaned up. </p><p>Finally Maya's eyes snapped to hers and the blonde tried to recoil away but she had nowhere to go.</p><p>"Carina." Maya sobbed, Carina had never heard her name said like that before.</p><p>"I'm here Maya, let's clean you up, come on."</p><p>Carina stood long enough to turn the shower on and then returned to Maya, helping her to her feet, careful to avoid stepping on the broken glass, the last thing either of them needed was a trip to Grey Sloan.</p><p>"I'm sorry about the mirror."</p><p>"I'm not worried about the mirror Maya, I'm worried about you."</p><p>Carina guided Maya under the steady stream of water and began to wash the blood from her hand and arm, and was relieved to find the injury wasn't serious enough to warrant stitches, though Carina did find shards of mirror glass trapped in some of the cuts.</p><p>Finally Carina wrapped Maya in a fluffy white towel and sat her down on the toilet lid while she retrieved tweezers. Maya hissed through her teeth as Carina removed the tiny shards of glass, it didn't hurt as much as her pride though.</p><p>"I know," Carina soothed, "Almost done." She put the tweezers down and grabbed antibiotic ointment and began to wrap Maya's hand. "This better not get infected or I will be really upset at you."</p><p>Maya scoffed a laugh, "I thought you'd say something like that."</p><p>"What happened Maya?" Maya shook her head, she didn't want to talk about it. "I find you bleeding on my bathroom floor, my mirror broken and you won't tell me why? Maya, you scared me Bella."</p><p>"I don't deserve you!" Maya burst out suddenly, "You're too good Carina, too forgiving, and I don't deserve that, not from you, not after what I did to you." Carina softened, understanding Maya's breakdown a little better now. "I don't know how to apologize to you, I don't know how to make it better, I don't know if I can. Maybe I'm just too broken, maybe I can't be fixed."</p><p>Carina held Maya's injured hand in both of hers, eyes glassy with moisture. "I am hurt Maya." She admitted, "I am unbelievably hurt by what you did. I won't pretend I'm not. I don't know where to go from here." it was Carina's turn to cry, really cry, Maya had never seen Carina cry. </p><p>"Cari," Maya hadn't called her that in so long, "Cari, hey, hey come here." Maya cradled the back of Carina's head as they sat together, and she just let her cry, Maya had hurt her in an unfathomable fashion, the least she could do was hold her while she cried. "I don't know where to go from here either," Maya said after a few minutes and Carina's sobs had subsided a little, "but I want to try, because you deserve so much better and I want to give you that."</p><p>Carina lifted her tear stained face, leaning her forehead against Maya's before capturing the blonde's lips in hers in a passionate, emotion fueled kiss, the kind of kiss that Maya could feel in her toes, the kind that sent electric volts through Carina's entire body. Carina pulled back, panting and again rested her forehead against Maya's, the tear tracks on the blonde's face matched her own. </p><p>"Meriti di essere amato." Carina whispered sweetly, her thick Italian accent making the words sound all the more meaningful, even if Maya had no idea what they meant.</p><p>"I have no clue what you just said to me, but thank you."</p><p>Carina giggled. "You deserve to be loved." She translated, "Maya you are not a mirror, you are not broken."</p><p>"I broke two things in one week, your mirror and your heart."</p><p>"You need to perdona te stesso, forgive yourself. You are too hard on yourself Bella."</p><p>"I can't. I can't forgive myself." Maya lamented, eyes dropping from Carina's in guilt.</p><p>"Perchè no?" Maya didn't need to understand Italian to know what Carina had just asked her.</p><p>"Because if I do it becomes my father's fault, my mother's, Jack's, and it's not anyone's fault but mine. I'm the one who slept with Jack, I'm the one who threw it in your face to hurt you, that's on me. Not them."</p><p>"That's noble." Carina offered, "but Maya, don't you think some of the blame belongs on your father's shoulders? He prevented you from being yourself, he had you convinced you couldn't be loved, that you weren't deserving of love. It is fair to say that you run from love, you ran from me because you don't feel deserving of my love and that is just not true."</p><p>Maya felt close to choking on her feelings as Carina's words swept over her, <em>my love</em>, Carina's love. Nothing had sounded more perfect.</p><p>"What?" Carina asked, catching the grin that graced the blonde's lips.</p><p>"Nothing."</p><p>"Maya," Carina chided, "we promised, no more secrets."</p><p>"Your love, being deserving of it. It just sounds beautiful."</p><p>"Beautiful words for a beautiful woman." Carina beamed, sliding off Maya's lap, minding her step, she'd clean up later. "Can I take you out? Somewhere that isn't my bathroom?" </p><p>Maya's heart skipped a beat, the idea of being out, on a date with Carina, their first real one since vacation, thrilled her. "I'd go anywhere you wanted. I'd follow you anywhere."</p><p>Carina giggled again, helping Maya up and out the bathroom door and back to the bedroom so they could get dressed, and Maya thought that it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever heard, Carina's laugh was a sound she loved even more than the whistle blow that began a race, and it got her heart pounding faster than a five alarm fire. She wanted Carina to keep laughing, the sound of her crying hurt to much to hear again. </p><p><em>"Have you considered the possibility that he was wrong? Maya isn’t it possible, with everything else you’ve accomplished, that you could learn to let yourself rest and sleep and love in this life instead of waiting for death to set you free?"</em>  She heard Diane's words in her mind as she looked at Carina,  and for the first time she really thought she was capable of what the Doctor had said. The clouds were her old dream, Carina was her new one</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Emotions Are For Children</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Words fail her and her mouth feels like cotton, he shouldn't be here, he can't be here, and yet here he is.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The familiar smells of genuine Italian cuisine filled Carina's nose, it wasn't as good as her mamma's cooking, but maybe she was biased. The company wasn't too bad either, she thought coyly, smirking over her glass of red wine. The wine was Maya's favorite, and Carina delighted in her surprise that she remembered. Carina wasn't in the habit of falling in love, she didn't fall easily, that was why it hurt so much, because Carina loved Maya, really loved her.</p><p>The brunette's thoughts were breached when Maya reached over and touched her hand, the blonde was wearing a white racerback top, and relaxed jeans, this was Maya at her prettiest, when she was happy, relaxed. "Hey, I lost you for a second, you okay?"</p><p>"Si, just admiring the view." Maya turned in her chair, looking out the window, they'd gotten a late dinner, after spending the day together, walking through the park, window shopping, anything they could think of, and the Seattle skyline had turned a pretty pink.</p><p>"It is beautiful, especially for this time of year."</p><p>"I was referring to the view right in front of me."</p><p>Maya almost choked on her sip of wine and Carina was a bit worried for a second, but the blonde bit her lip and blushed, it was such a sweet, tender moment Carina rarely saw from Maya, the brunette turned her hand over so she could hold Maya's. For a few precious moments, all sense of time vanished, there was nothing and no one except the two of them. All noise and atmosphere filtered out and Carina had eyes and mind for only Maya.</p><p>"Hey kiddo!"</p><p>Just like that the spell was broken and the background reappeared, Maya pulled her hand away from Carina's so quickly it stung. Maya's stomach clenched, her spine straightened, her breath caught in her lungs. Carina didn't know who the voice belonged to, but based on Maya's reaction she could guess.</p><p>"I almost didn't recognize you, you cut your hair?"</p><p>Maya's dad was at their table faster than their waiter, and Carina could sense Maya's unease. The blonde pulled away sharply when he tried to touch the back of her head, she still felt the ghost of his fingers wrapped around her ponytail.</p><p>"Your mom is still acting crazy, your brother won't return my calls, I haven't heard from you in weeks, your family is in shambles Maya, and as usual you're playing house with some woman."</p><p>It was essentially the same spiel, except this time he made it a point to take a jab at Maya's sexuality, and by extension, Carina. That didn't sit well with Maya.</p><p>"Dad, please leave." Maya kept her voice low, trying not to cause a scene, and hoping against hope they could get back to their dinner. "I can't do this here."</p><p>"Don't you take that tone with me young lady, you don't tell me what to do. I am your father and you will obey me."</p><p>Carina cringed at the word obey, and could no longer hold her tongue, she couldn't watch Maya get abused right in front of her.</p><p>"Sir, you really should leave. This is not appropriate."</p><p>"Appropriate? I'll tell you what's not appropriate, you speaking to me in that way," Carina blinked in surprise at that. "You being here at all is inappropriate, this is between me and my daughter, not us and her crisis."</p><p>"Excuse me?" Carina echoed Maya's inner thoughts.</p><p>"You heard me, you've got Maya believing all kinds of crazy things."</p><p>"No disrespect sir but, I love your daughter."</p><p>Maya's heart did somersaults at that, <em>Carina loved her.</em></p><p>"I've heard enough, come on Maya lets go somewhere private and talk."</p><p>He grabbed his daughter by the wrist, his grip was almost as tight as his hold on her hair, but she managed to once again free herself.</p><p>"Let go of her!" It was Carina, who'd stood up upon seeing her date literally dragged to her feet.</p><p>"Carina, it's okay." Maya promised, turning to the brunette for a moment before spinning back around to her father, the only man she was afraid of. "You need to leave. now. I never want to see you again. Stay the hell away from me and stay the hell away from Carina."</p><p>Maya was aware now that they were being watched but it didn't matter, and it really didn't matter when he made a lunge at Carina, who jumped back to avoid being grabbed, Maya's heart broke at the flicker of fear she saw cross her features. </p><p>"It's time to go." Maya insisted, feeling bolder than ever, the first time she'd stood up for herself, but it wasn't just her, it was Carina too. "I'm going to stay here and finish having dinner with-" </p><p>"Her girlfriend." Carina piped up from behind Maya. Maya's heart flipped again, pounding hard in her chest, <em>her girlfriend, she was Carina's girlfriend.</em></p><p>"My girlfriend." Maya echoed, her hand finding Carina's the same way Carina's had found hers the day her mom had shown up at the station.</p><p>"You'll regret this!" Her father bellowed as a bouncer dragged him away, a waiter had taken notice of the situation and sent someone over. </p><p>"Yeah, don't think so!" Maya spun around to Carina, looking her over. "Are you okay?"</p><p>"Si," Carina nodded, though Maya noticed she didn't look like herself.</p><p>"Can I take you home now?"</p><p>"Please." Carina whispered, and the blonde was quick to oblige.</p><p>Carina didn't say much on the ride home and Maya kept conversation light, the few days of happiness seemed over now, ruined once again by the same man. Maya could feel the wedge rebuilding itself between her and Carina and she didn't know how to keep it at bay.</p><p>"I am so sorry about that." Maya said once they were back at her house, "The nerve of him!" She paced around the floor while Carina sat on the couch. "Oh god, I gotta call my mom and apologize..." She caught sight of her girlfriend, Carina didn't look so good, she hadn't been herself since Maya's father had shown up. "... Hey, are you okay?" </p><p>Maya sat down next to Carina, not sure what was the matter but wanting to help anyway.</p><p>Carina shook her head, ran a hand through her hair. </p><p>"I'm sorry..." The brunette's voice broke, she'd been afraid to speak for that very reason, she knew she'd start crying.</p><p>"Hey, hey. No." Maya soothed, moving so that she could pull Carina against her.</p><p>"Seeing your father today, It brought back some memories for me, times I don't like to think about."</p><p>"With your dad?" Maya asked gently, still holding Carina, every once and a while stroking her hair.</p><p>"Si." Carina sobbed, she didn't talk about her father for the same reasons Maya didn't, it hurt to much, it was easier to block it out, pretend it didn't happen.</p><p>"Oh baby, I am so sorry."</p><p>"Andrea-"</p><p>"Hey," Maya whispered, "Forget about Andrew for a second, he's not here Carina. This is about you right now. Tell me about little Carina, tell me about her feelings. Tell me about the little girl who's mother and brother left her. Tell me her story Carina."</p><p>Carina sobbed harder, it was the first time anyone had allowed her to have her own feelings rather than reflect her brother's, the first time she'd been given permission to feel all those years of pain.</p><p>"I was a little girl," Carina whispered against Maya, "and everyone expected so much from me, my mother needed me to protect Andrew, I was a child too, I shouldn't have had to protect him."</p><p>"Carina, you are a wonderful big sister, it's obvious how much you love your brother, I love mine too, but our brothers really aren't good for our mental health."</p><p>"I remember when I was little, I would hide in my bedroom when my parents fought, all the yelling frightened me, and then when it was just me and my dad, he had no one to yell at but me. I tried everything to keep him in a good mood, because on the good days he would take me skating, or out for ice cream, but the bad days would come back eventually, and it only got worse as I came into my sexuality, I brought my first girlfriend home and he flipped out on us. I never saw her again. It's easy to blame his illness, but eventually the eggshells I was walking on got embedded so deep into my skin it was less painful to leave them there."</p><p>"I am so sorry Carina, I had no intention of seeing him today, of triggering you."</p><p>"Why are you apologizing to me? This was not your fault Maya."</p><p>Maya smiled, gazing down at Carina who was now laying in Maya's lap, and bending forward to kiss her. </p><p>"What a pair we are."</p><p>"We make sense." Carina surmised, "You and me, we balance each other out, complete each other."</p><p>"I feel complete." Maya agreed, capturing Carina's lips again. Carina moaned into the kiss, the sound spiking through Maya's entire body.</p><p>"Maya." Carina rasped breathlessly when they parted, she had that gleam in her eye again, the one Maya had come to anticipate.</p><p>"I love you." Maya said it again, the words she had never said to anyone before, the words she would never get tired of saying to Carina.</p><p>"Baciami." Carina pleaded again, as she felt herself be lifted into Maya's strong arms, the blonde might be tiny but she worked out a lot, if not for this reason alone, to be able to lift her significantly taller doctor girlfriend.</p><p>They both began to hear the sounds of rain beating against the roof and windows, and each had the thought that it was fitting, the sky was crying, the world was just as broken and screwed up as they were, and as their lips came together again they each felt a little less broken</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Three Weeks</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Three weeks was all it took for everything to change, three weeks separated them, three weeks destroyed them</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Everything ached, from the strands of her hair to the tips of her toes, it hurt to her bones. She was so exhausted, she felt like she hadn't been outside in days let alone had a decent nights sleep. It was always one code after another, another crash, another life she had sworn to protect, lost. It was enough to make anyone crazy, and right now Carina felt close. She'd run out here on a whim, needing just a minute, one singular minute where the reality that was the inside of the hospital didn't exist. It wasn't until she actually stepped outside that she remembered the clap out, and for some reason it just made her more frustrated, still though, she searched the sea of mask wearing faces, scanning for the only person she wanted to see.</p><p>She came, she always came, and when Maya met Carina's eye all of it almost seemed worth it, all of the extra hours at work, the tiredness, the days upon days of no sleep, it all seemed to disappear when they locked eyes and for a moment in time, all was as it had been before. Sure, the world was still on fire, and everything still sucked, but it sucked a little less, and that was more than either of them could ask for.</p><p>All too soon Carina was forced to pull her eyes away from her girlfriend, had to go back inside, had to do her job and continue being a hero. She hated that, being called a hero, heroes helped people, and at the moment she felt the furthest thing from that.</p><p>Maya watched Carina depart and though her girlfriend didn't know it, a part of Maya's heart went with her, it always did, a little part of her followed Carina into the lions den every single day, just hoping, praying, that she would stay safe, stay healthy, stay alive.</p><p>Carina's mask was falling, no not her medical one, that one wasn't going anywhere, she made sure of that. It was her emotional mask that was cracking, cracking under the weight, the pressure, the stress. She wasn't sure how much longer she could do this, how long could she survive like this? How many sick people would it take for her to become desensitized to the destruction? Or would she never adjust? Would she feel each new loss like it was the first time? Like so many things right now, she didn't know the answer, she didn't know much of anything right now and she hated it.</p><p>"Doctor Deluca- Oh! A-are you all right?" Bailey had appeared in her general vicinity, still observing six feet of course, the woman looked worn out, not to mention overheated in full PPE, and yet she still found the time to show compassion, to lend an ear to anyone who needed it, it was that quality that made her a damn good chief.</p><p>"Y-yes. I am fine, just- I hate this!" Carina didn't mean to raise her voice but she was so frustrated, so angry, so afraid, she was more scared right now then she thought she had ever been in her entire life. "I hate that there is nothing I can do, that I cannot even comfort my patients, cannot promise them they or their children will be safe, because I don't know!" The brunette ran her hands through her hair, "I miss my girlfriend! I hate that I cannot see her, hold her hand, kiss her because I don't want to risk her safety. I miss her so much my whole body aches, and I am sorry, I know that you and Warren-"</p><p>"Uh, no no, don't apologize. You can miss your girlfriend the same way I miss my husband, hell, you deserve to. Everything is so upside down that I think we deserve to feel whatever we need to, miss whoever we want to, and yes, be pissed about it all at the same time."</p><p>"We were blindsided, one day I'm taking my girlfriend to dinner and then the next we are forced apart, to quarantine alone in my empty apartment staring at the walls until the sun comes up, it is all just so hard. I mean, how do we survive this?"</p><p>"You know how we survive? With each other." Miranda said it like it was law, the end all be all, and it probably was. "I am living in a hotel, my sister in law is taking care of my kids, and my husband and I only see each other during those clap outs, but still, at least I get to see him at all, at least I know that he is alive and that he is safe. We need the people we love now more than ever, so I am saying this with love Carina, but if you love Bishop, tell her, as often as you can, make her believe it if she doesn't already, make it seem like you're not apart even if you have to be, let your emotional distance be so close together that your physical distance doesn't hurt as much."</p><p>Carina nodded, feeling a little better having just been able to vent. "You're right. Thank you Miranda, truly." Though her mask covered her mouth, one look into Carina's eyes told Bailey she was smiling. "I really needed to hear that. Do you think I could have a few minutes? Call her?"</p><p>"How you use your downtime isn't my concern Deluca, just keep your pager on you." Carina nodded and turned in the direction of the nearest isolated space and Miranda found herself chuckling, young love, it was beautiful, and they all needed a little beautiful, a little pretty.</p><p>Maya had somehow found the time to just breathe, to be completely alone, away from everyone, she loved her nineteen family, god only knew how much, but by god she was so sick of them right now. Miller and Vic were one passive aggressive remark away from tearing each other apart verbally, and she'd hardly said word one to Jack, not since she had broken Carina's trust, she'd been friendly when she needed to be, but other than that she'd steered clear of him, skating around him, keeping more than a six foot distance. Maya wasn't expecting the facetime call, not that she was complaining, from Carina, and she answered it maybe a bit too quickly, but it didn't matter now, she was starving for connection, she missed Carina so much it made her sick, physically sick.</p><p>"Hey!" Maya said breathlessly, rushing her words like they didn't have enough time for her to say everything she wanted, needed to.</p><p>"Ciao," Carina greeted in response and Maya realized how much she had missed the Italian words and phrases she only partly understood. "Why are you out of breath? Are you feeling alright Bella?"</p><p>Maya realized with dismay she had made Carina worry even more than she already was, the concern in her tone was palpable.</p><p>"No! No, I'm fine, I'm alright, I just miss you is all."</p><p>"Me too." Carina agreed, "Seeing you today helped a little."</p><p>Maya smiled, "I'm glad. It helped me too."</p><p>"Oh mio Dio, odio questo" Carina uttered, Maya noticed when she got flustered Carina tended to go full Italian, she guessed the words were easier to articulate. "I don't understand how this happened, how in three weeks everything changed, everything got so hard, so confusing, so painful."</p><p>"I know." Maya echoed, "We've had to turn so many people away because there's just not enough resources. I didn't choose this job to not help people when they needed it, but now it feels like we're playing God, hoping that we made the right decisions."</p><p>They sat in silence for a bit, just seeing each other, hearing their voice, made them feel better, knowing the other was safe and healthy, if not tired and scared.</p><p>"Mi manchi Maya" Carina whispered after a long beat, considering all Bailey had said, about letting Maya know how she felt, and often.</p><p>"I know baby, I miss you too." Carina raised an eyebrow, making Maya laugh for the first time in weeks. "I've been teaching myself Italian during quarantine, or you know, in the rare moments I get to myself."</p><p>Carina smiled, proud. It made her really happy, that Maya was trying to connect with her in her tongue, it meant a lot to her even if Maya wasn't fluent, the thought, the sentiment, was what counted. "I am glad to hear that Bella, I am very proud of you."</p><p>Carina didn't miss the way her praise seemed to brighten Maya's mood a bit, like her approval was everything, like it was all that mattered right now.</p><p>"Thanks." Maya's smile slipped from her face a second later. "Seeing you at clap outs isn't enough. I tell myself it is, it's more than most people get, but it hurts so much. You bring me so much joy Carina, and we all need more of that right now, I just wish that joy could be physical."</p><p>"I am grateful that you are healthy and safe, so many people would gladly take that, their loved one alive and healthy, but I hate that we're apart. I hate that my patients have questions that I cannot answer, they are scared and there is nothing I can do, I am just as scared as they are. We don't know what we are doing, it is all just guess work, finding things out as a we go."</p><p>"You're so good." Maya observed, catching the tiny waver in Carina's voice and hoping to offer some comfort. "You care so deeply about everyone, it's your best quality, the way you are so willing to help others, me, your brother, your patients, you literally get on your knees to meet them halfway, it's a good thing, but you put so much of yourself into other people that I wonder if you have enough of yourself left for you."</p><p>Carina shrugged, putting other people before herself was second nature to her, it was all she knew for much of her life, even now, years later, she struggled to put herself first, having to remind herself to take some time for herself every once in a while.</p><p>"I mean it." Maya insisted, "Bambina, you'll be no good to anyone if you're not taking care of yourself."</p><p>Carina smirked at the word, no doubt Maya was needlessly showing off, not that Carina particularly minded, the occasional Italian word or phrase actually calmed her down.</p><p>"Doctor Deluca?" Jo Wilson poked her head into the room, she looked exhausted, like everyone here lately, but there was something else there, something Carina couldn't place right now. "I'm so sorry to interrupt, but I need you for a consult."</p><p>"Alright, I'll be right there, thank you Doctor Wilson."</p><p>Jo nodded and took her leave, leaving Carina and Maya in silence for a few seconds until Maya exhaled almost regrettably.</p><p>"Go." the blonde urged, "Do your job, be a hero." When Carina rolled her eyes she added, "Promise me you'll be careful?"</p><p>"As long as you promise to stay away from Jack." Carina responded, only half kidding, "Six feet apart thank you." she concluded with a chuckle, the sound of which forced Maya to respond in kind.</p><p>"It's a deal. Call me after work?"</p><p>"I look forward to it." the brunette said honestly, "I love you."</p><p>"I love you too."</p><p>Maya sighed as soon as the screen blacked out and Carina disconnected, she ran her hands down the length of her face and screamed. All the days of paranoia, fear and yes, anger, catching up to her.</p><p>"Captain. Sorry to barge in, Warren needs to know if he's good to go."</p><p>"Yes, Herrera, he's fine, do me a favor and tell Gibson, if he needs anything, ask anyone else."</p><p>"Hey," Andy stepped inside and shut the door behind her, when Maya looked up she was right next to her, like she would have been before, before Maya became the world's worst friend. "Are you okay?"</p><p>"No. No, I am not okay Herrera, the world is on fire right now, and my girlfriend works in a hospital, so no, not doing great in the okay department."</p><p>"Right. Sorry, dumb question." Andy said nothing else, but Maya felt her slip her hand into her own, the gesture was the closest thing to physical contact Maya had had in weeks.</p><p>"No, I'm sorry, about you and Sullivan."</p><p>"Hey, Robert and I chose to separate, you and Carina, you didn't ask for this."</p><p>"Did anyone?" Maya scoffed, "I hurt her so badly Andy, and we were just starting to come back to a good place and then this happens and everything is hard, everything is scary, everything hurts. I worry for her so much more than I worry about me, I mean, she's working in a place where the risk of spreading this thing is a occupational hazard, I tell her to be safe, and she always promises to be, but really how much control do we have over this thing? I don't know what I would do if Carina got sick, if something happened to her I don't know I would survive, I love her so much that it terrifies me, the thought of losing her."</p><p>"She's not sick Maya, that's what you have to keep telling yourself, that right now at least, Carina is okay. We can't control anything right now, believe me, I wish I could be with my husband right now, just be there for her, I can't imagine the stress and tension at Grey-Sloan right now, trust me talking to you is probably the only thing keeping her somewhat sane right now, that's what she needs, what the both of you need." Andy squeezed Maya's hand. "But, I'm here too, you'll always have your nineteen family behind you, no matter what happens, you got us kid."</p><p>Maya snickered, giving Andy a grateful grin.</p><p>"Thanks, I really needed that."</p><p>Andy brushed her hair behind her ear, she had the same calming nature her father had had, and Maya wondered how Andy's mother could have done it, just abandoned her daughter like that, just miss watching her become the woman she was now, the firefighter and friend Maya would trust with her life in a heartbeat. Andy deserved everything, all the love and happiness the world could offer. Pruitt Herrera had given her a sister in Andy and she could never repay that for as long as she lived, but she could try, she could become the person he saw in her, that he knew she could be. Someone who loved and allowed herself to be loved in turn, who's walls she finally put down and let someone in. She was a work in progress, undoing all the damage, but she was willing to go all in, put in the work and be the Captain her Station needed and deserved, the girlfriend Carina could love.</p><p>"Hey, do yourself a favor, take the day off, things have been crazy enough around here, you deserve to find yourself right now, connect with your family."</p><p>"Are you sure? I mean, what if you need me?"</p><p>"Trust me Herrera, contrary to what you might think, we <em>can </em>survive without you for one day. Seriously, if you come in tomorrow I will lock you out."</p><p>Andy laughed, pulling out her phone.</p><p>"Alright, I will text my Tia, but only because it's an order."</p><p>"Your damn right it's an order."</p><p>Maya laughed as well, she'd missed this, the friendly teasing, banter between them.</p><p>"Now, go, talk to your family, I'm good in here I promise."</p><p>"Alright, but if you need me, you better call."</p><p>"Go!" Maya laughed, practically shoving Andy through the door of her office before closing it again and falling back into her chair. Her entire body felt heavy, weary, even her hair, short as it was, felt too heavy. She missed Carina, missed her mom, hell she even missed her brother, they weren't close, but still she hoped that he was staying safe, wherever the hell in the world he was now.</p><p>Carina had texted her own brother, even called him no less than six times, and hadn't gotten one response, she couldn't even check on him after her shift, she didn't live with him, they hardly even worked together, she spent most of her day on the OB floor, so the Deluca siblings weren't really a bubble, not the way Maya and her Station were. In truth, she was a bit jealous of her girlfriend right now. Speaking of the OB floor though, Carina and Jo's consult hadn't lifted Carina's spirits, in fact all it had done is remind her of how bad things truly were. The rest of the shift seemed to drag on, by the time it was over Carina felt so overwhelmed she didn't even want to call Maya, not because the blonde didn't make her feel a world better, but because Maya saw right through her and would ask what was wrong, forcing Carina to break down and the last thing Carina wanted was to add more to Maya's already full plate. But she called anyway, because she had promised, and Carina always stuck to her word, <em>never break a promise Carina, it reflects poorly, makes you disonesta. </em>Her father's words, she recalled as she waited, the shrill ringing filling the tiny supply closest almost enough to make her scream.</p><p>"Hi, I've been waiting for your call."</p><p>"I know, I'm sorry, I got held up longer than I thought."</p><p>"It's okay, I'm just glad you called at all. I was starting to worry."</p><p>Carina smiled, though it didn't quite reach her eyes. "I am a woman of my word, I promised you I would call."</p><p>"And I promised to stay away from Jack." Maya reminded with a soft chuckle. </p><p>"Did you?" Carina inquired, raising a playful eyebrow.</p><p>"Wasn't a problem, I hardly saw him today." Maya neglected to mention that that was because she'd hardly left her office all day. "Why are you in a supply closet?"</p><p>"It's the only quiet place in this hospital." Carina sighed, her breath hitching.</p><p>"What's wrong?"</p><p>"That consult? From earlier?" Maya nodded, she remembered, "It doesn't look good. I'm hoping for the best, but I am short staffed and resources are scarce. She is scheduled for a C-Section first thing tomorrow, and she is all alone. I can only imagine how scared she must be, for herself and her bambina."</p><p>"If anyone can handle it, it's you." Maya offered, trying to cheer her up. "When was the last time you slept? I don't mean hour naps in on-call rooms, I mean really slept since this all happened?"</p><p>"I don't know," The brunette admitted, "I don't think I'll really sleep again, not for a while, at least until I know Andrew is okay."</p><p>"You haven't heard from him?"</p><p>"No, not in a few days, though Meredith said she saw him and that he was okay."</p><p>"That's a relief."</p><p>"Yes. I am guessing he's avoiding me, I may have taken my hurt about us out on him and Meredith."</p><p>"Oh Carina," Maya said, a slight warning edge in her tone, the kind a mother might use.</p><p>"I know, I know." Carina repented, "but I did apologize."</p><p>"This hurts, physically, being away from you."</p><p>"I know, It hurts me too. So much. But at least we have this."</p><p>"You mean talking in a supply closet? Yes, we have that."</p><p>"You sound so tired, did I keep you awake?"</p><p>"It's fine, everyone here is already asleep, and Vic and Travis went home hours ago. I'm kinda mad at them, moving in together while I still can't even see you."</p><p>Carina snickered, "How is Andy?"</p><p>"She's tough, I gave her tomorrow off, let her see her family."</p><p>"You think she will?"</p><p>"She'd better, I swear she's a workaholic."</p><p>"Said the kettle about the pot."</p><p>"It's pot about the kettle, but I kinda like yours better." Maya chuckled, "and I am working on it. I want more out of life than this job, I want everything that comes with this." She gestured between them, "and I don't care how long I have to wait to see you, It's worth the wait every time."</p><p>"I will let you go now, so that you can rest, I will call you tomorrow morning."</p><p>"You had better get some sleep too, I am not kidding, because if you don't I'll know."</p><p>Carina exhaled a laugh, "I love you. Sleep well Bella."</p><p>"I love you too. Goodnight."</p><p>Carina was once again alone in the broom closet, the trek back to her place was one she was dreading, when in a few short hours she'd have to be back in this unescapable hell-hole, a phrase she had never thought she would think in reference to her job.</p><p>Across town, Maya had snuck into one of the bunks at the firehouse, it being so late, and she pretty much lived here anyway. Her chat with Carina had made her feel safe and sleepy, it wasn't much, and it sure as hell wasn't ideal but it was something and something was a whole lot better than nothing right now. </p><p>Everyone needed a little something extra right now, something the cling to as the storm this was blew past, wrecking everything around them and leaving nothing but death and despair in it's wake. They all needed a port in this storm, a lighthouse in the distance. It was the only way they'd survive, and they were determined to survive</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Weather The Storm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Humans are social creatures, they crave connection, love, togetherness.</p><p>Maya and Carina decide to move in together and Maya surprises Carina in a way she wasn't expecting.  (Slight spoilers for 4x02)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Humans are social creatures, they crave connection, love, togetherness. Like all animals, Humans weren't accustomed to solitude, isolation, no matter how introverted you claimed to be, would make you go insane sooner or later. Maybe that was why, in a twisted way Maya kind of understood and even identified with Lorelai, quarantine felt a lot like being held captative in some strange woman's backyard, if she were in the same position she would have snapped too. She hated being alone, she didn't even realize how much being with another person would mean to her until she had it, until she laid herself bare to another person and let them see her, all of her, the good, bad, and ugly, parts of her she hid from everyone, did she realize how utterly lonely she had been. She didn't want to go back to that, to being that person.</p><p>No one was hurt, that was the good thing, and good things were hard to come by these days, the tiger had been secured, humanely, the fire Captain found herself relieved of that, she couldn't handle another death, feline or otherwise, and about ten minutes ago Maya heard the gentle click of her door opening and closing again and spun around just in time to see Carina, who looked so happy to see her, practically dance into the room. Hanging up the phone the blonde had reached for her mask, making sure to secure it on her face properly, before the woman Maya loved the most in the entire world produced two rapid result COVID tests from behind her back and right now that felt more romantic than flowers. "I'll do yours if you do mine."</p><p>Maya and Carina both laughed at that as Carina carefully tore open the packaging the tests came in.</p><p>"Oh you meant right now."</p><p>"Si, right now. I cannot wait another moment." Maya obediently sat down, allowing Carina to advance with the, she had to admit, rather intimidating looking swab. "It looks scary and it is slightly uncomfortable but it doesn't hurt." Maya nodded, she trusted Carina, she had to know that by now. "Take a breath for me Bella, that's it, good, breathe. Keep breathing, and... done."</p><p>Maya sniffed a few times, twitching her nose, trying to clear the tickle in her airway, making Carina giggle.</p><p>"Ready?"</p><p>"More than." Maya was careful, hoping to god she'd done enough of these to not fuck it up, the last thing she needed was to cause more pain.</p><p>"Done." The blonde concluded, "Now what?"</p><p>"Now we wait." Carina chuckled when Maya groaned. "We've waited this long, what is a few minutes more?"</p><p>"Very true." Maya concurred, "Warren mentioned he saw you, are you okay?"</p><p>"Fine, I just.. I lost another mom today."</p><p>"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"</p><p>"Later," Carina assured, "It is just a relief to see you."</p><p>"I know what you mean."</p><p>"Captain?- Oh! Oh! I am so totally interrupting! I will come back later!"</p><p>"It's fine Vic, come on in." Maya laughed at the antics of her closest friend other than Andy. "How are you feeling?"</p><p>"Good, I mean, I didn't get mauled by a tiger today so you know, better than if I did."</p><p>"I beg your pardon Victoria," Carina wasn't sure if this was another stupid American idiom she didn't understand or if the firefighter was indeed serious.</p><p>"Oh yeah, Tiger snuck into the station, cornered me, it was actually terrifying."</p><p>"Are you hurt?"</p><p>"Nah, Not hurt, though I'm pretty sure I peed myself a little." The woman chuckled, "Anyways Maya, I just wanted to thank you for you know, grabbing me and not letting me become lunch." Maya's heart squeezed, Vic hadn't called her Maya in a while, it was either Bishop or Captain, and it felt like she was getting her friends back, not just her coworkers.</p><p>"No need Vic, anytime, seriously, I don't leave my family behind, and like it or not you are my family."</p><p>Vic made a show of considering this, "Yeah, I think I like it, and hey, when this is all over, you better bring your hot doctor lover out for drinks, I mean it, she looks like fun."</p><p>"Shut up!" Maya said playfully, "Get out of here before I kick your ass." She laughed once more as Vic ducked out the door she'd come from.</p><p>"Hot doctor lover?" Carina asked, the words said in Carina's beautiful accent made them sound naughtier than they really were.</p><p>"Oh god," Maya buried her head in her hands bashfully, "It's a stupid inside joke. I swear I'm going to kill her."</p><p>Carina laughed, she found it a bit wrong, how often she was laughing when Maya was around, like she felt guilty for feeling any kind of joy when so many people were suffering. It seemed such a small thing to take for granted, the sound of her lover's laugh, Carina wanted to memorize every tiny detail about her, from the way her eyes sparkled in the sun to the adorable way she crinkled her nose when she was confused.</p><p>"Do you think it's horrible? To feel so happy right now? When so many people are sick and scared?"</p><p>"I think we should take the good where we can get it." Maya supposed, "You're my Lorelai."</p><p>"I'm sorry?"</p><p>"The tiger," Maya explained, "You're my tiger, the one thing standing between me and a loneliness so big it aches." She took a page from Warren, his advice was the closest she could get to paternal advice, she didn't know if Ben and Miranda knew it, but they were the unofficial parents around here, hell, most of nineteen had rough home lives, and they had banded together and became one crazy, loveable family unit, and Maya had so many people who she loved so much, family. she'd learned, wasn't who you're born into, it's who you'd die for. Found Family? Nah, chosen family.</p><p>"Warren tell you that one?" Carina shook her head exasperated.</p><p>"Told Travis actually, but he's right, we all need someone or something to cling too, to call home."</p><p>"When did you get so sentimentale ?" Carina teased.</p><p>"When I met you." Maya lamented, "You're the first person who taught me that love could be gentle, that it doesn't have to be conditional."</p><p>"You have no idea how much that breaks my heart." Carina whispered, "You are worth so much more."</p><p>"Can I get you anything? Coffee?" Maya fussed, quickly changing the subject.</p><p>Carina tilted her head curiously, but didn't push further, they'd have plenty of time to catch up, God willing. "That sounds wonderful."</p><p>"You wait right here, I will be right back."</p><p>Carina didn't object, did as she was told and sat down on Maya's desk, rather than use her girlfriend's chair. When the door opened a minute later Carina spun around expecting to see Maya, instead she was face to face with Jack. One look at the man's face said he realized his mistake and also knew he was screwed.</p><p>"Uh... hi," He scratched at his neck awkwardly, clearly he hadn't been expecting her, obviously. "Carina right?"</p><p>"Si," She greeted, there was nothing in her tone, no warmth, but no malice either. "Piacere di conoscerti Jack."</p><p>He nodded, "Yeah, I'm gonna go now, will you tell Maya I stopped in?"</p><p>"I will make sure she gets the message." Carina tossed one leg over the other, a feat in the jeans she was wearing, "Oh and Jack? Fidanzata italiana molto gelosa." She narrowed her eyes in a show, she clearly was messing with him but it wouldn't hurt him if he didn't know that.</p><p>"Right." Jack fumbled with the doorknob, struggling to open it in his haste to leave and Carina struggled not to give away her amusement and help him out. "It was nice to see you." Maya returned a few minutes later to a very bemused Carina.</p><p>"Jack almost ran me over out there, what's so funny?"</p><p>"That poor man," Carina mused, taking the offered cup of disgusting fire station coffee, though anything tasted better than hospital coffee. "He was looking for you and I had a little fun with him, I think I scared him."</p><p>"Carina! Oh my god, you're bad!" Maya brushed her hair back with her free hand, "Now he really won't talk to me." She couldn't be mad though, not at Carina, not when she was right here and happy and safe. "How is it that this is the longest fifteen minutes of my entire life?"</p><p>"It only feels that way, it's the same as when you were a child, the hours before Christmas morning always felt longer."</p><p>Maya halfheartedly smiled. "Yeah, I guess." The room got uncomfortably quiet and Carina felt as though she pressed on a raw nerve.</p><p>"Did I say something wrong?"</p><p>"No, it's not you, I just don't have many positive holiday memories, my parents fought a lot."</p><p>"I see."</p><p>"It's okay, there's still plenty of holidays to celebrate." Carina grinned, did that mean Maya saw them celebrating holidays together, or did she mean just in general? Either way, seeing Maya have some hope for her future was a good thing, something she didn't see before. Maya was more open now, and she liked it, this open, honest, almost vulnerable side of the blonde.</p><p>"Okay, time." Carina announced after another few moments in silence, and they both looked at each other, giving each other strength before receiving the news. "Negativa." Carina breathed, relived. She looked to Maya awaiting her results.</p><p>"Negative. Thank God." The firefighter looked up, "So that means?"</p><p>"You come home with me." Carina breathed happily, "Tonight."</p><p>"Baby, I have none of my stuff."</p><p>"Borrow mine. I can't stand another night alone, without you, I will crawl out of my skin."</p><p>Maya chuckled, "Alright, alright. I like my girlfriend in her skin so I will come home with you, on the condition that you help me pack my things tomorrow."</p><p>"You need only ask." Carina bent to nuzzle Maya's neck. "I have missed you, touching you, holding you."</p><p>"As hot as this is, we can't do this here..." Maya rasped, "...risk of contamination."</p><p>"Mmhm." Carina moaned, her long hair tickling Maya's neck, she pulled away after kissing the hollow of the blonde's throat, Maya's chest was rising and falling rapidly and her heart was racing, so as far as Carina was concerned she had done her job and she had done it well. "We should get out of here."</p><p>"God, yes please."</p><p>"My car is outside."</p><p>"Is that safe?"</p><p>"I wiped it down before I came in. It's sterile."</p><p>Maya whimpered, even talking about sterilization sounded sexy coming from Carina's mouth. "Fuck." She cursed, overwhelmed by the urge to touch Carina, to kiss her, after all this time their separation was over and it couldn't be sweeter. </p><p>"Promises Promises." Carina hummed, low and sensual into the shorter woman's hair. </p><p>"Don't make this harder than it already has been." Maya begged, "As it is I can hardly restrain myself from touching you."</p><p>Carina's fingers danced against Maya's throat all the way up to her jawline, Maya bit her lip to keep from crying out, her entire team was right outside. </p><p>"Take me home now Carina, please." The blonde relented, knowing how to get Carina to do what she wanted. Carina's eyes crinkled, a gentle smile tugged at her lips and it made Maya's knees go weak, this woman drove her utterly insane.</p><p>"Goodnight Captain," Travis spoke up when the pair emerged from Maya's office, the man grinned knowingly when he laid eyes on Carina and he mouthed something to Maya Carina didn't quite catch.</p><p>The ride back to Carina's place was filled with little soft touches, and the occasional graze of Carina's hand against Maya's thigh. Maya for one thought they would never get back, so seeing her girlfriend's little place was like coming home again for the first time in weeks. Carina unlocked the door and held it open for Maya, who took a deep breath, admiring everything like she had never stepped inside before.</p><p>"Not much has changed since you were here last if you can believe it." Carina said playfully, "Though it does feel more like home now that you are here."</p><p>"Can I kiss you now?" Maya breathed, locking eyes with Carina who looked just as hungry for her touch as she was.</p><p>"Yes." Carina allowed, feeling a second later the electricity that accompanied every single one of Maya's kisses.</p><p>When had Carina fallen in love with Maya, someone had asked, well it had to have been love at first sight, at least for Carina, but the way their relationship was continuing to grow, the strides they'd made, just made Carina even more convinced that they were soulmates, meant to be, fiamme gemelle, twin flames. The things Carina felt for Maya were new to her, she had never known a love so magnetic, so strong it hurt to be apart. She never knew she could care about and for another person so intensely, and surprisingly Carina found herself wanting to feel like this for the rest of her life, nothing about this thing with Maya was casual, and she couldn't imagine going back to casual anything, not anymore, not when she knew that this love, this connection existed. This was what Carina had been missing, what she had spent her entire adult life until now chasing, the type of love everyone always talked about but Carina had never found, not until now, not until Maya. </p><p>"Thank you." Carina mumbled against Maya's mouth, the vibrations of the words against her skin made Maya shudder with delight.</p><p>"For what?"</p><p>"Letting me love you."</p><p>"Oh, I'll let you do a lot more than that."</p><p>"Hmm, I'm intrigued."</p><p>"Yeah? I thought you might be."</p><p>Maya gasped when Carina shoved her up against the wall, pressing their bodies as close together as she could, so that they no longer felt like two separate people but rather one solid entity wrapped up in each other. "Stasera comando io, principessa." Carina murmured, nipping at Maya's earlobe.</p><p>Maya tipped her head back, exposing her throat, she didn't even have to understand the words for them to have an effect, but this time she had a pretty fair idea of what she'd just been told. For the first time Maya didn't feel the anxiety that relinquishing control usually gave her, because she felt safe enough to let go, she knew Carina would take care of her. Every neuron in her body that would usually tell her to run, put up her defenses, was silent, for the first time Maya felt nothing except the buzzing of passion, desired nothing except the praise Carina would shower over her as she claimed every part of her body as her own. It was serene in a way, to no longer hear the dozens of voices in her head telling her how to act, think and feel, telling her she was wrong, because how could she be? How could this be wrong when it felt like the most right thing in the world? Maya wasn't sure of much, not anymore, but she was sure of this, she was sure of Carina, and no matter what, she would always be right.</p>
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